Shubhashish

“I want to be wrong, too.”

I have heard it all along. Throughout the time. Day and night.

And I gave in every time. Battling my past. Fighting my future and compromising with my present.

Your fragile self that never existed, that temper that was forced out of you.

Your wishes that never saw the day light. And your luxuries that remained dreams unfulfilled, promised otherwise.

Yes, you understood me fully. I was a mirror of your own self.

When you looked deep in me, all you saw was yourself. How you hated yourself. How you loved yourself.

And with the mission to change me for a better life, all you tried was to change yourself.

I was your mirror.

Its broken. The dream, the sleep, the dawn and the mirror.

For, I have failed to be what you wanted me to.

The mirror in me that you never saw and believed that it was me. All along.

When was the last time a nail-biter that went, as Shastri usually says, down to the wire, satisfied you to the core? Didn't the thought that the match could be fixed cross your mind? And if it did, the match still engrossed you as its suppose to?

Match-fixing has been the darkest period for cricket and it continues to haunt us. And to me, the whole experience of watching cricket is somewhat ruined. Not because I believe in those "bookie" messages, but, simply because someone is trying to influence my love for the game.

I got a message during the India-Australia quarter-final. It said that Australia will bat first, score 270+, Ponting will score above 50, India will lose wickets but will win by 5 wickets and Sachin will score a hundred. How much of it is true and how much is close to what actually happened, we all know. Doesn't this doubt your love for the game?

Next match. India-Pakistan. Message says that Pakistan will bat first, score above 300 and India will chase it. Didn't go this way but then, every ball that was bowled, I watched with a sense of cynicism.

The grand-finale, too, had its own hits and misses but by now, I was seriously contemplating to make this "bookie" my astrologer. You know, bribing god to get the odds in my favour. 🙂

I still don't believe that the matches were fixed but there are a large number of messages that are circulated during the matches that clearly makes an impact.

Every nail biter is looked upon suspiciously as if it was fixed to perfection for the photo-finish. And every loss in such a great game is definitely bribed.

Somewhere, the integrity of the people watching the game is deeply compromised and going by the looks of it, I don't think it will be repaired in a long long time.

Well, unless Pakistan stops dropping 4 catches of a single player in one match alone, that too, a World Cup semi-final.

I am not much of a foodie but when I eat I like to eat good food. Sunday is one such day when I like to be served good food.

Entire week is spent in acts paramount for survival and I get just this day to eat to me heart's content.

Unfortunately, I don't remember the last time I ate good food on this weekly holiday.

Can't express by displeasure as I don't cook myself. Wanting to be served and that too with the preferences that I have, I will surely be kicked out of the home.

But, is this good enough for me to start cooking my own food?

I don't think so. Laziness surrounds me and also, restaurants in Mumbai do serve some good scrumptious meals.

Waiting for the day when I would be able to afford them 🙂

Adios!

The purpose of this blog has changed over the years. What it stands for today? I dont kn. It is still undergoing changes. I think of writing something but refrained thinking that someone might get offended. What should i do… this has been my personal space, and people who know me do feel upset or joyed if i mention somthin about them….

today is valentine’s day… honestly, i never believed in this day and at the same time dreamt of celebrating it everytime. I am all alone today, a personality so flawed that i an even afriad of making new friends. I have made a lot of mistakes and continue to do so. tears have stopped flowing. they too are tired. like me. where am i? i dont kn.

people who know me in an out, too are at a distance, coz I harm, hurt and make them suffer.

One thing that i have noticed about my life… earlier, when i wanted to be alone, i was always with friends, so many i couldnt even remember their names; and today, when i want to be with them, i m all alone.

dont for how long this will continue. I am afraid that i ll get used to this. DOnt know what to do… there are days together when i dont utter a single word… being quiet is not a choice but i dont have any other option..

I need help. I need to be with friends, i need someone who could be with me despite my million flaws… is that possible? i dont think so.

a burden i cant let go,
someone, please unload me
… i m choking.

was it love?

I dont kn. Now i really dont. First, if it was then the end would have been different. A lot different. Second, there would have been no end at all. Lived happily ever after… din happen. So what was it? And is moving on that easy? I dont know…

I was no different from any common Indian. Now, I am. Being at ground zero and experiencing all that we all “know” by now makes hell of a difference. We all have de-sensitised ourselves so much that any terror attack of suicide bombing is like any other common occurence if our life, which has no meaning; just an incident, untoward happening which we cannot avert but can turn a blind eye to. Thursday morning was no different. There were no other talks but the terror attack and amidst all the hoopla were some scathing jokes on the entire issue. Until, we came to know that we could go there and get some stories out. I never thought that the following day could change my life, forever. Looking at armymen, ready for their duty and knowing that some of them might not return put me to shame. What exactly was the purpose for their lives? Dying for someone they didnot even know? Or worse, dying for some elite businessmen who wouldnt care less for the country but make money? I saw them laughing and trying to make the moment little light. The air was heavy and they were all calm, knowing what was coming. I am not writing a first person account as many have done that already but would just want to rant. Films take inspiration from real life, but trust me guys what I saw yesterday, no film has even come 10% close to reality. Films always tend to over or underplay the subject. What i saw was just plain business. A business with real emotions and fear. I spoke to one Jawan and asked him, “How much more time?” “A day more,” he said. I counter questioned, “Why a day more? Dont you think its too long?” He replied smilingly, “With our each step forward, lot of lives will change forever, we have to think at least 10 times before moving ahead.” I was numb. Speechless and spellbound I stood as his words hit me and continue to hit me even now. Just three days ago a friend from London called and asked about the train blasts. I was surprised when she said, “Shubh, I want to ask you something personal. I hope yoi won get disturbed and if you feel like you dont want to answer please tell me and I will stop.” I was zapped thinking what is she going to ask?” She asked about the train blasts. Arent we de-sensitised? Yes we are. I laughed at her thinking how stupid? “Why will I get disturbed coz of that?” Now, I do coz today I have understood what those blasts did to my city. And today I understand what this terror attack has done.
http://www.youtube.com/get_player

My life is nothing but memories of you

Loved, cared, and stitched with a thread of warmth,

Your heart oozes out.

Sewn with your thoughts

My heart knows nothing but you

My mistakes, errors all just too much to forgive

My life has colors

Noting less than spectacular

With colors as beautiful as you

Painted Red, with nothing less but you.

My aim and life was close to each other

My aim was you and my life was you.

Looking back now, I feel with ribbons of your love

I might hold them together

You were my dream

A beautiful one, envy for others

You, only you, nothing else but you

My dream…

From morning to dusk

This world to death

From laughter to tears

Sorrow to happiness

I see nothing else but you…

Your love is my treasure

Caged in my heart

Eternity, come and go

I am alive because of your love

— Shubh

Yes, its done. Over. Dead. The most beautiful thing happened to me is no more. I never expected it to be flowery every day. I knew there will be moments where I would want to suicide, thrash someone out of anger, shout, scream, yell and dont kn what not.

But I never thought that it would be over. It is now. I m upset not because its over. Yes, its true. I m upset about the fact that after two years I couldnt prove to you that I loved you. I couldnt make you understand that my heart beats because of the smile I see on your lovely face. I failed at making you blush when someone said my name in front of you.

I lost at every juncture and I know that. Today I am sure that this is the best thing for us. You dont love me and I dont want you to be claustrophobic. Its a new beginning for us. Wish you a beautiful life ahead and hope that the new guy gives you whatever I couldnt. I wish you never think of me again. I wish you get over the nightmare I gave you. I wish a lovely life for you where tears have place only when happiness is around.

Finally the good thing is that we have something to mutually agree upon. The bad thing is that its the decision to part ways.

Sunday. yes, this Sunday. and its not a great feeling. 4 days. I kn whats goin to happen on taht day and i m preparin myself for that. par hota nahi hai yaar. nahi hota. tears just dont stop. heart is pumping hard. my breathe is shortened and i m choking. my life is coming to an end. a slow end. every second is hard to pass. clock’s tick is annoying, it is strikin hard in my mind. no matter how much i m tryin not to think of it the more it is registerin its presence. i never thought this could be it. but this is it and the faster i realise this the easier my death would be…