Shubhashish

i sometime feel why we make mistakes? Obviously we dont kn till the time we are told about them. So does that mean that we are so stiff that even after tryin to think of all the possibilites, some vital infos still are missed resultin in a disaster. WHo is at fault then?

My mind has hit a road block. I really really dont kn what I am doing and how I should go ahead. And this is frustrating. No matter how much I try to calm myself, it just doesnt happen. Living in constant fear of a targic mistake that i may commit i think I am making myself suffer to a great extent.

The solution is not in sight and the ending cant even be thought about at this point.

Life is funny. very funny. It takes just one small, irrelevant moment to topple it. Just one moment. There are a few people in our lives without whom everythin else is just so meaningless. And it takes just a moment to either be with them or be alone. I am scared by the thought of not being with her. I just dont know what to do but losing her is not an option. My aim, my focus, my diligence is all because of her and I dont want to be an aimless wanderer…

Its been a drastic change to my daily schedule… A good night sleep seems like thing of the past. And days are turning gloomy with each passing second. Everyday morning I get up early in anticipation of knowing if the previous day was successful. I get up nervous, sweating, banging my head on the walls somehow manage to grab the paper and whoosh! its a bad day.

No astrologer can predict the day I will have as I write the future everyday and get up early to check out the script. turns out bad everyday.

Its discomforting. Am I bad or its just a space constraint? This has become the only question that lingers in my mind… the only one. And honestly, I dont know. I really dont know what the problem is…

I have never in my life experienced peer pressure, this is a damn first time and believe me its very demanding. I am not saying that I have given up. I havent and I will not. I can handle it but just to be in the league without wasting much time is I guess the root problem.

I really need someone to tell me that its ok… Just carry on the way you are. Its just a phase, everyone has the same problems when they start out. I want someone to just believe in me and help me cross this bridge.

I dont want to get into the debate of quality over quantity as i think at this point both are suffering in my hands.. however, its frustrating when you track down someone after 4 hours and the person take another 4 hours to respond back as he/she is stuck in a meeting and by the end of the day just write a polite message saying “cannot comment.”

Its frustrating. Really.

I guess I need to learn this… the basic premise of the field i dived in. Larger question is about the quantity.. how to maintain that when such unprecendented issues crop up. Any ideas?

A new week.. the mood is upbeat but nervous at the same time.. honestly more nervous thatn I was on the first day. Expectations are rising… So is the enthusiasm… carry on boy, carry on.

something was amiss for a long time… and today’s the day! when things will be back to normal again, when my mornings will be as beautiful as ever, when my days will be filled with a sweet voice and when again she will be there to pick up my calls whenever I call… till now… i said.. sumtingwong.

Today I also happen to complete my first week at my new job. I am enjoying it but at the same time I can feel the drastic change in my schedule and work life. Its not the same and it will never be the same again.

WHen I look back today, its been only a week and I have made more mistakes then I thought I would. Its not a heartening feeling but I guess this is called the learning process. or better, on-the-job training. I too, had a simple wish of starting off with a bang but have been limited due to my inexperience.

The feeling is dampened for sure and I am upset. May be I am asking too much from my own noble self. May be I am over reacting to this initial failure.

One thing is for sure, i cant go down from here as I have already hit the rock bottom. The only place left to explore it “up”, “up” and “higher up”…. sky sky oh dear sky.. wait for me as I learn to fly… 🙂

But as they say in chinese… sumtingwong (some thing is wrong!!)

Its been some time since my last post and there are reasons for that. Someone told me why should people come to your blog and read what is going on in your life and feel interested in the same? Why? I had no answer. I am not a very popular guy or a filmstar that fans will log on to my blog everyday… I m just another guy, working hard to make a decent living, average height but extraordinary dreams. A common face but an escalated vision. So what is that will attract readers to read into my life?

Nothing.

However, I have realised that I dont blog for people to read… i blog to give someone an option to peak into my life. That someone can be anyone who wants to know about any random fellow. Could be you..

This blog is for me to indulge with myself, it is my private time thinking about own self and it is my time to just tell all of you what you dont want to know but what I want to write. The choice is yours. Come back, or, go back.

On one hand, I have the dilemma of reacting to Raj Thackeray, and, on the other, of dealing with the Profashionals (P). Its been four years since I am on this land of the great Maratha whom I call home. With no intentions of going bac I have decided to give my everything to this place which gave me the most beautiful and ugliest days of my life. And I am just 21 still.

Dear P, even after four years of sincere and honest friendship, I dont know where I faltered as you still dont consider me a part of you. Everyday and every moment I have to fight to prove my connection to you and every single moment of the fight I m reminded of my non-inclusion in the group.

I am hurt beyond repair and left with no choice. I am a Mumbaikar and more than that a part of you but somehow you dont realise that and hurt me time and again. Now, I can feel how it feels to be in the no man’s land.

After four years, I still belong to nowhere. I hope those who are not with us anymore atleast felt that I was a part of their lives. Coz I owe my life to all of you no matter what you feel about me.

SHUBHASHISH

People say that time is the best healer… I defer.

People say that destiny is in your hands… I defer.

People say that be the change to change… I still defer.

Its been an year now… what has time healed? Nothing. As the day is progressing, my soul is shivering, my mind is not at peace and my body is giving up on me. Its getting harder to control tears. I cant face the day, the memories, the bodies, the death and the sorrow.

I have only one prayer to make..

Dear God,

Fuck you for giving me a life which is of no use for I couldnt help my friends fight death.
Fuck you for making us so weak and helpless that we look up to you for help every moment in our lives.
Fuck you for being the ‘super power’
and,
Finally, fuck you for being God.

If there is someone who is the biggest coward on the face of humanity. its you. Fuck you for always not-being-there.

FUCK YOU.

SHUBHASHISH